Understanding Attachment Styles: Anxious, Avoidant, and Fearful

By Dr. Jacob Ambrose

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships feel overwhelming, inconsistent, or emotionally exhausting, you’re not alone. Much of our relational behavior is shaped by our attachment style—a pattern of emotional responses formed early in life and often carried into adulthood.

In my San Diego-based therapy practice, I work with individuals navigating the challenges of anxious, avoidant, and fearful attachment styles. Understanding these styles is the first step in creating healthier, more secure relationships.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Not Being Enough

People with anxious attachment often worry about being abandoned or unloved, even in relationships that seem stable. Over time, this leads to the belief that the only thing keeping a relationship together is your own hard work—your communication, your emotional labor, your effort.

Maladaptive Core Beliefs for Anxious Attachment:

• "If I am not good enough, people will leave me."

• "My relationships can only survive when placed on the life raft of excessive communication and reassurance."
  

These beliefs are rooted in a negative view of self and a positive view of others. Past abandonment or inconsistent caregiving contributes to the fear that love must be earned or maintained through constant effort.

Adaptive Core Beliefs for Anxious Attachment:

• "My past experiences of being abandoned were never my fault."

• "Even though my instincts tell me I am only worthy of love when I am rescued or reassured by others, I have inherent worth simply for existing."

• "The glue that maintains the right relationships in my life is not solely determined by who I become, but by who I already am."
  

San Diego Therapy Tip: If you're experiencing anxious attachment in relationships, therapy can provide a safe space to explore where that fear comes from and help you build healthier emotional boundaries.

Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle to Trust Others

Avoidant attachment is often rooted in early experiences where self-reliance was necessary. People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and can view vulnerability as a threat to safety.

Maladaptive Core Beliefs for Avoidant Attachment:

• "Others are not trustworthy to meet my needs."

• "Power and control are necessary to survive in relationships."

  
  

Avoidant attachment is associated with a positive view of self and a negative view of others. Emotional distance and autonomy can feel safer than the risk of getting close.

Adaptive Core Beliefs for Avoidant Attachment:

• "Even though I was hurt in the past while vulnerable, the true reason I was hurt was not because I was too trusting or naive."

• "Vulnerability was never the problem—my circumstances were."

• "My sense of security and autonomy in relationships can exist, not just because of my strengths, but also in my vulnerability and perceived weakness."
  

Healing avoidant attachment involves slowly allowing yourself to show up as-is—not only when you're strong or “put together,” but also when you feel uncertain or emotionally raw. It means letting trusted people in, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Local Resource: If you’re based in California and struggling with emotional intimacy or relationship avoidance, therapy offers a judgment-free space to rediscover trust and emotional safety. 

Fearful Attachment: The Push and Pull Between Love and Fear

Fearful attachment is a mix of both anxious and avoidant styles. It often stems from a childhood where caregivers were both a source of love and fear.

Maladaptive Core Beliefs for Fearful Attachment:

• "Others are untrustworthy."

• "I will be abandoned if I'm not good enough."
  

This attachment style is rooted in a negative view of self and others, leading to chronic insecurity and emotional dysregulation. People may crave closeness but sabotage relationships to avoid being hurt again.

Adaptive Core Beliefs for Fearful Attachment:

• "Even though my only experience of intimacy has been pain and suffering—especially when I wanted it most—it is possible for me to experience love, security, and connection."

• "With support, I can learn that relationships can be completely opposite of what I'm familiar with."

• "I can experience both security and power in loving relationships with the right people."
  

Healing fearful attachment means learning to accept your emotions as a strength rather than a liability. It means finding environments where vulnerability is met with respect—not danger.

In my San Diego therapy practice, I help clients identify these patterns and begin building new relational habits that prioritize emotional safety and mutual care.

Which Attachment Style Do You Relate To?

Each of the wounds related to attachment can be heavy to bear—but know that you're not alone. Understanding your attachment style can be the first step toward healing and creating healthier relationships. Whether you're working through anxiety in relationships, learning how to build secure attachment, or healing from past emotional wounds, recognizing your attachment patterns is key.

Attachment Healing Begins with Awareness and Support

Whether you relate to anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment, know that healing is possible. You are not defined by your attachment style—it’s simply a survival strategy that helped you get through a past environment. Therapy can help you reshape those strategies into tools for secure and fulfilling relationships.

Looking for Attachment-Focused Therapy in San Diego?

If you're located in San Diego, California, and ready to explore how attachment patterns are showing up in your life, I’d be honored to support you on your journey. My practice specializes in helping adults understand their relational dynamics and heal from attachment wounds.

📍 In-person therapy in San Diego or online sessions available across California.🗓 Schedule a free consultation today.

Because healing isn’t about changing who you are—it’s about remembering who you were before fear got in the way.

Want to dive deeper? Check out our full podcast episode on attachment with Dr. Vincent Barbieri at www.youtube.com/@talkintherapy

Disclaimer: All content on healing anxious, avoidant, and fearful attachment is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional therapy.